SUCCESSFUL FAMILIES, SUCCESSFUL SOCIETY. This was the title of a session held recently that I attended that actually comprised two addresses individually delivered by the very eloquent and themselves successfully married couple of Dr. Pat and Theresa Fagan.
The Fagans live in Washington D.C. and were in Trinidad as guests of the Caribbean Institute for Family Development (www.cifdtt.org). Irish-born Dr. Fagan, a clinical psychologist by profession had scientifically observed, early in his career, disturbed young kids and it was the impact of the parents’ relationship on their behaviour that he found quite instructive.
Pat remarked that he found that in 95% of the children with whom he dealt, he was able to contribute to behavioural improvement of the youngster by meeting the parents of the child and assisting in dialogue between mother and father. This was done so effectively that no direct interventions were required with respect to the children themselves.
In other words, when we are looking for the reasons for disturbed behaviour among our kids, we should make it our first stop to look at the parents’ relationship for clues.
Pat referred to 5 tasks that if done well, would redound to the benefit of all. These were said to be in regard to i) family ii) church iii) school iv) marketplace and v) government. If functions performed in these respective spheres were undertaken successfully, everyone would be happy. If one were to take any one of these pillars away, this would weaken all the others collectively.
Interestingly enough, in research that he has collated over the years and made available on-line at www.marri.us Dr. Fagan shows how marriage is key to economies. He asked his audience “How many times have you heard that said before?”
He indicated that marriage and religious worship actually contribute to a healthy economy as married people tend to together earn more, save more and of course, pay more in tax which is to the benefit of the public coffers of any State. Further, married couples require housing which, of course stimulates in turn the construction sector.
Pat advised that that the key in marriage is unity between husband and wife. This would explain the seeming dysfunctional behaviour of children, whose reaction to family issues, was itself no less than their reaction to the relationship between parents.
In regard to church, Dr. Fagan asserted that when people engage in worship, society as a whole tends to benefit. This is intuitive as one’s perspective on life and its meaning and the way in which one can improve oneself are inevitably determined by one’s religious views. In this regard, young children absorb the most from observing their parents’ religious practices and so the maxim of example being the best teacher is proven completely valid here.
With respect to school all of society engages in some type of learning. This may be formal as at an institution or it may be life lessons acquired through experience. Dr. Fagan pointed out that families acquire experience in for example, learning how to balance a budget or in how to pull off a family vacation successfully. Our children live and observe these practices which will serve them well for their future when they have to raise their own offspring.
The fourth task identified was that of successfully treating with the marketplace. This entailed tasks associated with budgeting of family expenses and how one earns a sustainable livelihood. Pat asked a rhetorical question of the audience as to how many couples present actually had a budget on which both spouses were agreed. This provoked a slight stir among those in attendance.
On the task of government, the issue of how father and mother treat with family decisions emerged. Each spouse was asked as to how good a listener, they would consider themselves to be, to their better half’s concerns. Interest in the other and not self-absorption was the litmus test as to how well government in the family was being done.
Theresa Fagan spoke on “Communication in Marriage” and stressed three points 1) understanding the other person 2) letting the other understand yourself and 3) constructive communication between each other.
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She referred to telltale signs of a healthy marriage relationship – encouragement of each other and the mutual giving of compliments; viewing things that go wrong as just “bad luck” and not the fault of the other; when a spouse is hurt, the offending party apologizes and means it; if a problem arises it is seen not as the other spouse’s responsibility but our own to rectify; problems in marriage are to be resolved and should not form the basis for bad-mouthing each other and an active interest in the life and passions of the other.
Indicators of a troubled marriage were conversely said to be as follows – when critical remarks outnumber compliments; when one engages in the blame game when something goes awry; bad-mouthing one’s spouse with one’s relatives; silent treatment or sarcastic responses to one’s spouse and always wanting to proving one is right on a matter.
Mrs. Fagan stated that in any marriage there are always two families that are trying to reproduce each other – that of the respective spouses. She remarked that for the wives love and respect were key in keeping a happy marriage.
By way of illustration, Theresa pointed out that whenever the wife becomes dismissive of anything suggested by the husband because it is said to be too expensive or inappropriate, this frequently results in husbands distancing themselves from their wives. This directly relates to the respect that husbands often expect of their wives.
In regard to the wives, it was said that many a time, remarks made to a husband are really no less than coded language for a desire to come closer together, so that “honey, please scratch my back” is not just a plain instruction, but really a message for intimacy on the part of the wife and directed to the husband.
As far as effective communication was concerned, Theresa said that patience was the sign of true love. This did not mean, however, that complaints between spouses should be stifled as this could only lead to either emotional distress in the form of resentment or would only result in one spouse eventually lashing out against the other.
She described resentment as “self-poisoning of the mind” and as one important contributor to divorce in society.
A distinction was drawn between destructive criticism when one engages in anger, blame or silence in the face of issues brought to one’s attention by the spouse and complaining validly which was deemed as necessary and quite acceptable.
Theresa then concluded on how to go about complaining without being critical of one’s husband or wife. Use neutral language when frustrated, for example “I am upset you didn’t wash the wares” and not “you were a lazy good-for-nothing because you didn’t wash up after dinner.
Building good memories together by doing things jointly; engaging in regular conversation on family matters and making it a daily commitment to do so, preferably at a fixed time; taking the television out of the bedroom; being ready to forgive when asked by the other and finally prayer were all recommendations made by Theresa Fagan to make a successful family and so lay the basis for a successful society.
Gregory O’Young
21st May 2012
