Children often go through a period of crisis in their teenage years. They grapple with the big questions about the meaning of life and may seem rebellious as they demand water tight reasons for the faith and customs that have been handed on to them. Their studies become more demanding and they are challenged to look seriously at their future options of a career. During the adolescent years, the sexual instinct is awakened and this can cause a teen to be insecure about his or herself as they seek to understand what is happening to them and to integrate this dimension of their being into how they understand themselves and how they should interact with others, especially of the opposite sex. To chart through the stormy seas of adolescence, children need parents who are patient and loyal friends, willing to be their navigator on board and always at hand with wise and prudent advice. David Isaacs in his book on Character Building gives some useful pointers.
Features of adolescence
- Development of personal intimacy.
- The wonderful discovery of one’s interior world.
- An understanding of who one is, of one’s individuality; a growing realization that one is an autonomous person, with far reaching decisions to be made, and goals and ideals to pursue.
- Development of a capacity for critical thinking. One begins to judge issues and act from inner principles, with depth of conviction. The virtue of prudence is the key to sound critical thought.
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An adolescent is faced with the challenge of choosing the values which will lead him or her to happiness. The only true values are those which bring happiness not only now and in the future but into eternity.
During adolescence the major decisions of life are made. Adolescence can be said only to end when life goals are clarified and personal responsibility to pursue those goals accepted.
Some of the more superficial aspects of adolescence
- self absorption…moodiness, introspection, indifference to others;
- insecurity…peer dependence, impressionability, wanting to be noticed, comparisons with others;
- anxiety and confusion…feelings of being unhappy, emotional and temperamental;
- lack of motivation…laziness;
- need for affection and attention…superficial relationships;
- yearning for greater independence…argumentative, contesting authority, pulling back from parents.
Some proven approaches for parents
Refine family values. What are the basic values of our family which we want our teenagers to make their own? Can they see us trying to live these values ourselves? Can they see that these values are important to us? How can we use the things that interest our teenagers (TV programs, books, entertainment, friends, social events, etc) to explore with them these basic values?
Focus on values, not on behaviour. Different behaviours or personal styles may be consistent with the same values. When a teenager’s behaviour seems inappropriate, parents should consider, before reacting, “what value is underlying this”. Also, help teenagers relate their behaviour to values.
Challenge your teenager to think critically. Encourage your teenager to judge events according to sound values.
Respect your teenager’s intimacy. Build your relationship on friendship and trust. Don’t pry or spy. Realise that he or she is changing very quickly on the inside.
Foster generosity. Give your son or daughter an example of parents who act consistently with values which are not selfish. Encourage and take them to do deeds of service to others and works of mercy. Show that happiness is tied to love and generosity.
Show affection, appreciation, and understanding. Listen. Try to look at issues from his or her point of view. Recognise and build on strengths and positive areas.
Ensure your teenager feels that it is his or her home. Less emphasis on conformity in a multitude of small issues. Ask as few “required” behaviours as possible. Fill your home with lots of good memories for your adolescent.
Foster a positive peer group for your teenager. As it is likely to have more influence than you do, be sure that the families of your teenager’s friends share your values. Get to know the parents.
Set demanding but attainable goals. Teach responsibility with clear expectations, accountability, consistency, and follow-up. Require the exercise of personal responsibility for actions.
Be seen to struggle to live up to your values. Win prestige in your teenager’s eyes by your personal struggle to be faithful to your ideals and the family values. Avoid double standards. Look on the family budget as a numerical expression of the values of your family.
Show that living with faith is attractive. Do not compel adolescents to live their faith and to pray. Lead by example. Show that a personal relationship with God gives cheerfulness and meaning to one’s life.
Source: Professor David Isaacs cf Isaacs D.(1983).Character Building. NY: Scepter.
