JAMES STENSON
During the course of his too few appearances in Trinidad recently, James Stenson, a noted authority on parenting, had many enriching insights to share.
James is the author of several handy texts on family life including “Compass,” “Father, the Protector,” “Lifeline” and several others more. In his talks he indicated that on his website www.parentleadership.com he has a list of rules that he strongly encourages parents to feel absolutely free to download as a good guide to raising children so that they can feel proud about them.
Among those rules one will see the familiar advice given to children “we say to everyone, when appropriate: please, thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry, I give my word of honor,” as well as others which we can readily understand – “we do not bicker or quarrel during meals” or “we practise good telephone manners and thus bring honor to our family.”
Beyond the list of rules, however, James alluded to some broader perspectives on parenting that should be shared with as many as possible.
It is quite important, firstly, that both mother and father share the same commitment to bringing up the children in the family and with an equal degree of enthusiasm and dedication. They must be, as it were, on the same page.
This concern by the parents should extend itself way into the future, meaning one should have a vision down the road of how one would like to see one’s young ones grow up into becoming adults.
That is essentially one of the principal issues that James raised. Do our parents realise that they must be engaged in raising adults, not children for life, who will always have to be led by the hand or be in some type of tutelage understudying their parents in perpetuity?
Furthermore, parents working together can manifest itself in several ways. For one the home should be kept tidy, not just by the children, but by the parents as well. This is so important that it cannot be over emphasised. Recounting from my own experience, I can hardly admonish my kids for failing to make their beds, when I have left my own untidy.
Another interesting point made by James was that for each spouse the other must be the number one in their lives.
This can be demonstrated in many ways including for instance, being the first to say sorry after a quarrel has broken out. On this note James advises that it is not always a bad thing should the children see their parents engage in the occasional quarrel, as long as they see them both apologise and reconcile afterwards.
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Before a hushed audience James said clearly that he finds “men don’t realise how much they must often say they love their wives” while noting also that “the physical presence of the father at home makes a mother feel safe.” This latter reality, he stated, points to the role of father as protector in the physical sense which was an addition to the acknowledged role in its economic and social dimensions.
Another way that parental unity can be shown is when both mother and father live and teach integrity. Integrity, deriving from the mathematical notion of an integer, means oneness in intention, word and action. There is no room for the telling of lies and for engaging in deceit either at home or elsewhere.
As parents we may be startled that our 5 year-old has no difficulty in “fibbing” to avoid responsibility or to own up to an action committed.
In this regard it was stated that young children often have two ways of dealing with evasion of blame for an offence – either they lie or they burst into tears. I have seen evidence of both in the course of my family life.
James encouraged parents to handle such a scenario by calming the child, instructing him or her to return to their room and to come out in five minutes and tell the truth “on your honour.” Usually, he stated, the children on appreciating that they will be fairly treated will own up to whatever they have done.
In the area of children’s misbehaviour, certain guidelines were supplied to parents on how to proceed in disciplining their young ones.
James categorised the offences as follows – misdemeanours, which are little things that children do wrong and which one as a parent cannot correct every single time. Were one to do this one would probably end up a total wreck by the end of the day. I can think of when my children do not put their dirty clothes in the wash clothes basket, but next to it as an example. The maxim James employed was highly instructive: “in matters of morality, it is better not to be instructed, but to be reminded every so often.”
The other wrongdoing was described as a felony, which must be corrected every time it occurs, for instance when a child insults his or her sibling. The last category of offence James described as capital and which cannot be tolerated at all – disrespect for parental authority or the telling of a deliberate lie.
These latter infractions are to be greeted with the harshest treatment possible for, as with the judicial system, offences of this nature erode the very authority of the central figure which underlies the institution itself – in this case, the family.
Gregory O’Young
